Thanks to the Internet, Paula Goodspeed's audition package is still around:

Without the horrible context of the past 24 hours, Goodspeed's appearance seems like your boilerplate bad Idol audition: Overconfident singer, barbs from Simon, really bad vocal performance, sorta-snarky Ryan Seacrest kicker. (Simon Cowell's jokes about her braces may be a bit over-the-top, but they're nowhere near the "bush baby" bit he would drop a year later.) But you have to wonder if, given that Idol's audition numbers were down this year and ratings on the show have been dropping in general, the producers were planning on filling more airtime with "funny" bits like the one above. Are the antics of Alexis Cohen going to be funny to a viewing public that spent at least an hour at work searching for Goodspeed's MySpace page, on which she claimed that Paula Abdul was her secret crush?

Paula Abdul fanatic Paula Godspeed found dead near singer's home [NY Daily News]
Paula Goodspeed - Proud Mary [Dailymotion]

JOSIAH Leming, a homeless singer whose mother is dying of cancer, might be blocked from releasing the album he recorded because he was a contestant last season on "American Idol."

Leming, 19, who didn't make the show's top 24, received an official letter from "Idol" threatening legal action if he puts out his record in January as planned.

"Idol" contestants must sign strict contracts with the show's producer, Simon Fuller's 19 Entertainment, promising to record only with the label chosen by "Idol" - Sony/BMG. The 19 Entertainment shop also retains exclusive right of refusal for management and merchandising.

When the smash-hit show began in 2002, only finalists had to sign the contract - but now it's mandatory for all contestants.

A rep for Leming, who grew up in Tennessee as one of eight siblings, said, "Josiah was the only 'Idol' contestant ever to get a record deal who didn't make the top 24, and one of only four contestants to get a deal this year. He has personal reasons for getting his music out, threat or not."

It's probably on point to note that Idol's producers this year allowed more people who made it through to Hollywood last year to re-audition, and that rule change still didn't help the audition numbers from falling. Maybe they're trying to woo Josiah back, what with the all-the-way success this year of "rocker" David Cook? Or maybe they're just afraid of having egg on their faces when the former cast-off's debut release succeeds more than, say, Kristy Lee Cook, whose album has sold a paltry 19,000 copies in its first week on the charts?

NO 'IDOL' THREAT OVER ALBUM [NYP]

American Idol winner David Cook's post-coronation album drops on Nov. 18, so there's still plenty of time to change this "Make The Pretty Boy Look Tough" album cover. First off, it's pretty clear that they've stretched David, Paula Abdul-style, here—no human being has a head that narrow. Maybe Cook (a pretty good-looking guy!) was packing on the pounds in the offseason, but this picture looks like the photographer forgot to set his camera to widescreen—and that fauxhawk is doing him no favors. Can you say "reservoir tip"?

The final touch was adding some grit with a Photoshop filter that I think is called "Acid Wash," so as to make Cook look as "tough" as some dude hanging out on Panama City Beach in 1988! I'm hoping that Photoshop launches a whole series of similarly themed expansion packs, like "New Jersey 1989," which features EZ Hairspray, or "Miami Beach 1985," where you can remove subjects' socks with just one click!

David Cook Album Cover And Track List [MJ's Big Blog]

Sure, "Light On" doesn't have a female foil, but listening to these two songs back-to-back is making me want to talk to Chris Cornell about his feelings on the recent decimation of smooth-jazz radio.

Dan Hill & Vonda Shepherd - Can't We Try [YouTube]
Cook Turns The "Light On" In Debut Single [PopEater]
[HT to Reed Fischer for the ANTM joke in the headline]

David Cook
RELEASE DATE: Nov. 18.
LEAD SINGLE: Undetermined.
WHAT THE TITLE CAN TELL US ABOUT THE RECORD: The American Idol powers that be hope that you can remember David Cook after all these months.
BURNING QUESTIONS: Will the success—or failure—of Cook's album, which will be something of a departure for Idol coronation records as far as it being more guitar-based and less straight-up pop, result in the judges being more (or less) kind to post-grungers during the course of the competition? Did anyone at 19 Entertainment decide that Cook collaborating with Hinder was a good idea? (Please say no.)

The Killers, Day & Age
RELEASE DATE: Officially, "late November," although some sources have it pegged for Nov. 26.
LEAD SINGLE: "Human."
WHAT THE TITLE CAN TELL US ABOUT THE RECORD: I'm hoping that it's not the idea that their new sound is a fusion of Days Of The New and No Age, which is what popped into my head when I first saw the title.
BURNING QUESTIONS: Will the critical drubbing of the 2006 outing Sam's Town result in the Killers playing it safe on their third record? Is there going to be a slow grower as good as "Read My Mind" on this new album? And, finally, is "Human" going to be a cover of this Jimmy Jam/Terry Lewis-produced classic?

(I actually think Brandon Flowers' voice would sound terrific on this song. Here's hoping!)

Britney Spears, Circus
RELEASE DATE: Dec. 2.
LEAD SINGLE: "Womanizer"
WHAT THE TITLE CAN TELL US ABOUT THE RECORD: You thought her whole VMA appearance was built on a sandpile of meta? You ain't seen nothing yet.
BURNING QUESTIONS: Will having Spears somewhat involved in the process of making the album result in another peppy dancepop album like Blackout, or will the world be treated to an album full of her explaining just what happened over the past two years over robotic beats by the likes of Danja and Dr. Luke? Did someone at Sony jokingly float the idea of her reprising her infamous Upskirt Incident Of 2006 in order to "poke fun" at her past, and was said suggestion taken seriously? Will bringing her back together with Max Martin result in gold being struck once again?

Platinum Weird - "Taking Chances"

That's DioGuardi on lead vocals.

Kelly Clarkson - "Walk Away"

This video perfectly captures my reaction to this track.

Hilary Duff - With Love

Ashlee Simpson - La La

Time has not been kind to this track. (Christ, her voice.)

Katharine McPhee - "Love Story"

A song that deserved better. At least McPhee's Idol appearance helped kickstart her acting career, right?

Lindsay Lohan - "Confessions Of A Broken Heart"

I wonder if this means this year will have "Inappropriate Overshare Week."

Celine Dion - "Taking Chances"

Does this mean we're going to have a Celine Dion mentor week? Dare to dream.

GRAMMY-NOMINATED SONGWRITER KARA DIOGUARDI JOINS PAULA ABDUL, SIMON COWELL AND RANDY JACKSON AS JUDGE ON "AMERICAN IDOL" [Press release via The Futon Critic]

Now that I'm back, the M.I.A. song is down a bit, and the biggest news on the charts is the post-American Idol debut by tween-and-grandma fave David Archuleta.

It's a cruel business, this chart-column writing.

Nonetheless, the good news, for those of us who rooted against the stage-managed moppet during Idol's last season, is that Archie's losing out on the Hot 100's top slot—by a whisker—to Rihanna. Meanwhile, there's change on top of two other charts, including the deadly static Modern Rock list. Let's catch up, shall we?

Archuleta's "Crush" was the top-selling digital song of the week, with 166,000 downloads tallied. That handily outsold Rihanna's "Disturbia," and probably should have given him the Hot 100's penthouse in a lazy late-summer chart week.

But limited radio exposure held Archie back. While pure Top 40 stations gave "Crush" a respectable nearly 1,000 spins last week, that total wasn't enough to put Archuleta on the all-genre Hot 100 Airplay list, where he's completely absent. Just for comparison, "Disturbia" (now in its second week at No. 1 on the Hot 100) ranks 16th on the Airplay list; at the same pool of pure Top 40 stations, it received almost six times as many spins as "Crush" did last week.

Still, we have to give Archie props, because he pulls off a number of feats in Idol-contestant chart history. The most obvious is outcharting this year's winner, David Cook, whose highest-ranked hit to date (in his early-June week of Hot 100 dominance) was the No. 3 debut by "The Time of My Life." As Billboard chart guru Fred Bronson points out, that makes Archuleta—at least for now—one of only two runners-up in Idol history to outperform the winner from the same season. The first was Season 2's Clay Aiken, who went to No. 1 in 2003 with "This Is the Night" the same week that year's winner, Ruben Studdard, debuted at No. 2 with "Flying Without Wings."

What's less obvious is how unusual it is for an Idol finalist to debut this high with a song not performed on the show. With this No. 2 debut, Archie has just set a record in that rarefied category. I'm so used to contestants making a splash in the weeks just after the show's finale with the songs they performed on that show that at first, I didn't register that such a high debut now—months after Cook's coronation—is quite rare.

It's even more impressive when you look at the other three non-finale songs by Idol finalists that debuted in the Top 10. All did so thanks to extenuating circumstances: Aiken's "Solitaire," which debuted at No. 4 in 2004 but was known from his repertoire on the show; Carrie Underwood's "I'll Stand by You," which debuted at No. 6 in 2007 after she performed it on Idol Gives Back; and Kelly Clarkson's "Never Again," which debuted at No. 8 last year on anticipation surrounding her much-debated, Clive Davis-hated third album. By contrast, Archie's "Crush" debuted big despite limited exposure to the public on TV or radio, simply because scads of people were hot to buy anything the kid put out at the official start of his recording career.

Of course, many more people are awaiting the launch of Cook's recorded output, and it's entirely possible that his first post-Idol single will do Archie one better and debut at No. 1. For the first five seasons of the show, a No. 1 Hot 100 hit was a birthright: every winner those five years had one (except Studdard, who was replaced at No. 1 by runner-up Aiken). But the adjustment of Idol's business model from physical product to digital releases has broken the pattern, and Cook's plan to pursue rock radio airplay more avidly than Top 40 could result in an irregular chart performance.

Still, this isn't over: there's the battle later this fall between Cook and Archuleta over their respective albums' debut sales weeks to watch. Also, we'll have to see if "Crush" turns into a lasting hit, with full radio support, for Archie. Somewhat surprisingly, Cook has done well in this department—"The Time of My Life," his sappy finale song, smelled like a flash in the pan, but months later it's become a No. 3 Adult Contemporary hit and is still riding the Hot 100's upper reaches. (It's back to up No. 28 on that chart this week.)

One last Idol note, on the show winner who's suffered most at the vagaries of the charts. Quietly and with little fanfare, Jordin Sparks—the only Idol winner to not enjoy a Top Three hit with her finale song ("This Is My Now" peaked at a pitiful No. 15 in 2007)—has become a regular Hot 100 presence. Her current hit, "One Step at a Time," moves up four notches to No. 21 this week. If she can nudge it into the Top 10 in a few weeks, she'll be the only Idol winner to score three Top 10s from her debut album (following up "Tattoo" and the megasmash "No Air"). I'm not a fan of Sparks' tepid material, but I mention her here only because, unlike all of her Idol peers, she's arguably been earning her hits the old-fashioned way: patiently working them at radio, without any TV- or fan-fueled digital sales bursts, one hit at a time.

Here's a rundown of the rest of this week's charts:

• When the year-end charts come out in December, one single I expect to place higher than I originally expected is Coldplay's "Viva la Vida." Its early chart activity seemed like a classic all-sales, no-airplay, quick-burnout pattern, with the song debuting ahead of Coldplay's album in late May thanks to saturation play of Apple's TV commercial showcasing the song. After it peaked at No. 1 in mid-June, I expected "Viva" to tumble down the chart quickly, as Coldplay fans switched to buying their album and radio gave it the same solid-but-not-blockbuster airplay seen by previous Chris Martin ditties like "Speed of Sound."

But ever since "Viva" made the Top Five about a dozen weeks ago, it's never fallen below No. 7. In fact, the song has been knocking between Nos. 5, 6 and 7 for the last nine weeks. As it was in the beginning, iTunes has been a consistent provider of chart points; "Viva" has never left the Top 10 of Billboard's Digital Songs list in all that time. But airplay has seriously caught up: the song now ranks 11th among all radio songs—impressive for a song that's getting no support from R&B/hip-hop stations. It's turning into one of the longest-lasting Top 10 hits of the summer.

Now, it's pulled off one more feat: topping the Modern Rock chart. In its 11th chart week, "Viva" knocks Foo Fighters' "Let It Die" from the top of that list.

• Also moving up the Modern Rock list, well below the Top 10, is M.I.A.'s "Paper Planes," up six notches to No. 22. As Al Shipley pointed out, it debuted there last week, a rare solo-female hit in a mostly male format.

But forget that: the shocker I'm still getting over is its performance on the big chart. One week after "Planes" soared to No. 5 on the Hot 100 (it's down one notch this week), the question is, how far can M.I.A. go? Now that Pineapple Express, the movie with the trailer that made it a hit, is cooling at the box office, the song will likely have trouble penetrating much deeper into the Top Five. But it could knock around the Top 10 a while longer—not only is it still selling well (No. 4 at iTunes at this writing), it debuts on the Hot 100 Airplay list at a more-than-solid No. 66. With radio support, M.I.A. will likely be gunning us down and taking our money well into the fall.

• Keyshia Cole's "Heaven Sent" commanded R&B/Hip-Hop Songs for most of the summer with a nine-week run at No. 1, but there's been notable turnover recently. While I was away, Lil Wayne's "A Milli" took the crown in its 16th week. And this week, he's evicted by Rihanna, with her first-ever R&B chart-topper—but it's not the song she's leading with on the Hot 100. Instead, her chart-topping ballad from last spring, "Take a Bow," finally takes the crown on R&B/Hip-Hop. So this week, we have the unusual but not altogether rare occurrence of one artist crowning the Hot 100 and R&B lists with different songs. Perhaps unsurprisingly given its pure-pop sound, "Disturbia" doesn't appear to be doing what "Bow" did and blooming belatedly at black radio; it's nowhere to be found on the entire 100-position R&B/Hip-Hop chart.

• Country has seen a bunch of turnover recently, too. Two weeks ago Sugarland evicted Alan Jackson from No. 1 with their fluffy pop-crossover hit "All I Want to Do"; last week, they were tossed out by the unstoppable Taylor Swift, who scores her second country No. 1 (and fifth Top 10 overall) with "Should've Said No." And speaking of pretty young things scoring with two different hits at pop and elsewhere, this week, while Swift holds at No. 1 on the Country list, she scores her first-ever Top 10 hit on the Hot 100, debuting all the way up at No 10 with "Change," the advance single to her forthcoming second album.

I was asked yesterday how "Change" could be ranked 10th on the big pop chart and only 57th at Country, her native format, and the answer is simple: one chart uses sales, the other doesn't. "Change" debuts on Billboard's digital sales chart with a stellar 131,000 downloads, the week's third-best seller. That's enough to put her on the Hot 100, even without much airplay. Hot Country Songs, on the other hand, is an all-airplay list, and to country radio, "Change" is a fledgling hit. Doubtless, when "Should've" starts to fade, "Change" will rise fast—Swift is the hottest new act at the format, and the new album will likely have a massive debut later this fall.

• I'd just like to point out that, two months after its ignominious defeat at the hands of Tyga's irritating and now-disappeared "Coconut Juice," my pick for Idolator's 2008 Summer Jam, Estelle's "American Boy" featuring Kanye West, is still on the rise, up one notch this week to a nail-biting No. 11. Far as I'm concerned, summer has at least two more weeks to go unofficially (Labor Day is Sept. 1), or about five weeks officially (autumn begins Sept. 22). That's plenty of time for it to cross into the winner's circle.

Great, now I've gloated and probably jinxed it...

Top 10s
Last week's position and total weeks charted in parentheses (Digital Songs chart includes total downloads/percentage change in parentheses):

Hot 100
1. Rihanna, "Disturbia" (LW No. 1, 9 weeks)
2. David Archuleta, "Crush" (CHART DEBUT)
3. Chris Brown, "Forever" (LW No. 2, 17 weeks)
4. Katy Perry, "I Kissed a Girl" (LW No. 3, 15 weeks)
5. Coldplay, "Viva la Vida" (LW No. 6, 15 weeks)
6. M.I.A., "Paper Planes" (LW No. 5, 5 weeks)
7. Kardinal Offishall feat. Akon, "Dangerous" (LW No. 7, 15 weeks)
8. Rihanna, "Take a Bow" (LW No. 4, 19 weeks)
9. Ne-Yo, "Closer" (LW No. 10, 18 weeks)
10. Taylor Swift, "Change" (CHART DEBUT)

Hot Digital Songs
1. David Archuleta, "Crush" (CHART DEBUT)
2. Rihanna, "Disturbia" (LW No. 1)
3. Taylor Swift, "Change" (CHART DEBUT)
4. M.I.A., "Paper Planes" (LW No. 2)
5. Chris Brown, "Forever" (CHART DEBUT)
6. Estelle feat. Kanye West, "American Boy" (LW No. 7)
7. Coldplay, "Viva la Vida" (LW No. 8)
8. Katy Perry, "I Kissed a Girl" (LW No. 5)
9. Chris Brown, "Forever" (LW No. 9)
10. Jonas Brothers, "Burnin' Up" (LW No. 4)

Hot R&B/Hip-Hop Songs
1. Rihanna, "Take a Bow" (LW No. 3, 17 weeks)
2. Keyshia Cole, "Heaven Sent" (LW No. 2, 21 weeks)
3. Lil Wayne, "A Milli" (LW No. 1, 17 weeks)
4. Jazmine Sullivan, "Need U Bad" (LW No. 5, 16 weeks)
5. Young Jeezy feat. Kanye West, "Put On" (LW No. 4, 15 weeks)
6. Robin Thicke, "Magic" (LW No. 10, 13 weeks)
7. David Banner feat. Chris Brown, "Get Like Me" (LW No. 8, 25 weeks)
8. Chris Brown, "Take You Down" (LW No. 5, 21 weeks)
9. Yung Berg feat. Casha, "The Business" (LW No. 12, 13 weeks)
10. Rick Ross feat. Nelly and Avery Storm, "The Business" (LW No. 9, 14 weeks)

Hot Country Songs
1. Taylor Swift, "Should've Said No" (LW No. 1, 14 weeks)
2. Keith Urban, "You Look Good in My Shirt" (LW No. 2, 13 weeks)
3. Keith Anderson, "I Still Miss You" (LW No. 4, 29 weeks)
4. Jimmy Wayne, "Do You Believe Me Now" (LW No. 8, 21 weeks)
5. Brad Paisley, "Waitin' on a Woman" (LW No. 7, 10 weeks)
6. Brooks & Dunn, "Put a Girl in It" (LW No. 5, 17 weeks)
7. Sugarland, "All I Want to Do" (LW No. 3, 13 weeks)
8. Alan Jackson, "Good Time" (LW No. 6, 19 weeks)
9. George Strait, "Troubadour" (LW No. 9, 12 weeks)
10. Darius Rucker, "Don't Think I Don't Think About It" (LW No. 12, 18 weeks)

Hot Modern Rock Tracks
1. Coldplay, "Viva la Vida" (LW No. 2, 11 weeks)
2. Foo Fighters, "Let It Die" (LW No. 1, 20 weeks)
3. Staind, "Believe" (LW No. 4, 8 weeks)
4. Weezer, "Pork & Beans" (LW No. 3, 18 weeks)
5. Disturbed, "Inside the Fire" (LW No. 5, 21 weeks)
6. Carolina Liar, "I'm Not Over" (LW No. 6, 16 weeks)
7. Saving Abel, " Addicted" (LW No. 7, 22 weeks)
8. Ludo, "Love Me Dead" (LW No. 10, 22 weeks)
9. The Offspring, "Hammerhead" (LW No. 8, 15 weeks)
10. Linkin Park, "Given Up" (LW No. 9, 24 weeks)

American Idol watchers may remember the sob story proffered by the Teflon-coated warbler Kristy Lee Cook when she first auditioned, and how she had to sell her beloved horse in order to scrape up enough money to get in front of Paula, Randy, and Simon. So is this cover the culmination of her reunion journey with her horse? Is that actually an equine stand-in? Or was this art subbed in at the last minute after the powers that be decided that outtakes from her fake sex tape wouldn't really go over so well with the "God Bless The USA" crowd?

[via Music Is The Heart Of Our Soul]

Season 8 Auditions

* San Francisco - July 17 - 7,000
* Louisville - July 21 - 10,000
* Phoenix - July 25 - 5,500
* Salt Lake City - July 29 - 6000
* San Juan - Aug. 2 - 300
* Still to come - Kansas City, Aug. 8; Jacksonville, Aug. 13; and East Rutherford (NJ), Aug. 19.

Season 7 Auditions

* San Diego - July 30 - 12,000
* Dallas - Aug. 6 - 13,000
* Omaha - Aug. 10 - 15,000
* Atlanta - Aug. 14 - 12,000
* Charleston - Aug. 18 - 10,000
* Miami - Aug. 22 - 9,000
* Philadelphia - Aug. 27 - 20,000

MJ attributes the decline to the lousy economy and rising gas prices, as well as the possibility of Idol fatigue. And while I suspect that the turnout for East Rutherford—home to the New York-adjacent Meadowlands, to which one can take public transportation—will raise the overall average at least a bit, these numbers have to be somewhat troubling to the Idol producers, especially after last year's less-than-impressive ratings. Did former producer Nigel Lythgoe jump ship at the right time? Or are people just sick and tired of showing up and singing, even though they have zero chance of getting noticed unless they dress themselves up in tinfoil and belt out an "original" song?

2008 American Idol Audition Numbers Down [MJ's Big Blog]

A story on AP's Spanish-language wire about union protests of the San Juan auditions had a quote from a union organizer that referred to low audition turnout, which Idolator researcher/Spanish correspondent Kate Richardson was kind enough to roughly translate for me:

"The protest was successful because we achieved carrying a message of the anti-worker practices of this production and giving support to the Writers Guild of America" said Jose Rodriguez Baez, president of the federation of workers.

"Furthermore, the auditions were a failure because there were no more than 300 people in the line. Local talent did not support the activity in this occasion. The preparations that they had to receive thousands of people remained in that."

So, did the San Juan auditions really have fewer attendees than a Katharine McPhee concert? Is it a sign that more people don't think that winning Idol is all that? Is there a groundswell of union support in the commonwealth? Or do people just want to be famous on their own turf? One comment on the USA Today blog Idol Chatter noted that Puerto Rico has its own Idol equivalent, Objetiva Fama. Whatever the reason, I can't wait to see how the producers get "creative" with editing this this one.

Nigel Lythgoe leaving "American Idol" [Hollywood Reporter via rickey.org]
Protestas en audiciones de American Idol [El Nuevo Dia via Idol Chatter]

ONE-LISTEN VERDICT: I finally "got" David Archuleta when he performed "Apologize" with OneRepublic on the American Idol finale. Not that I'm a big fan of that song, but its breathy, wistful feel allowed the timbre of Archie's voice to shine through a lot better than any of the big quasi-inspirational tracks his father saddled him with during the initial weeks of the competition. Whoever is putting together his debut album must feel the same way, as "Crush" is a laid-back, dreamy ballad in the vein of "Apologize" and "Tattoo." Archie even slips in some falsetto, as if to further make his combined fanbase of 12-year-olds and their mothers swoon in unison.

WHERE TO HEAR IT: Z100's site. Inexplicably, Jive is waiting until Sept. 2 to make the song available commercially, perhaps because it wants everyone to illegally download radio rips of the track and be OK with that. Oh, major labels, will you ever learn?

First, Powers' "Pop music critics embrace the mainstream," which ran on Sunday alongside Scott Timberg's feature on the American arts' continuing high-low collapse. Powers, as ever, has the overview:

This atmosphere of openness is mostly fantastic, but characteristically, pop critics have found a way to turn it confrontational. Prefer Ray LaMontagne to Toby Keith? You're an NPR-listening square! Irritated by T-Pain? You're a Luddite! Sick of Fergie? You're sexist! And just as many critics take the opposite stance, with equal righteous vigor.

In the past, our debates were sort of like sumo-style tummy bashes — a young Turk would stand up to the old guard and good-naturedly push his opponent out of the ring. Now, it's more like the scrum in rugby. Everybody pushes against everybody else, and we move forward in a huge blob of vehement opinion and mutual judgment.

Powers' talk about covering American Idol prompted Wade Tatangelo of Tampa's Creative Loafing to point out the monetary aspects of such coverage:

Ann Powers wrote a fine essay . . . But she failed to mention that a potential reason daily music critics like the St. Petersburg Times' Sean Daly are covering cheap reality TV like American Idol (Powers does, too, but more likely by choice, see below) is because they are no longer in a position to tell populist/desperate editors "no." Arts critics are being laid off at even a faster clip than reporters. In fact, there's not a single music critic job opening at a daily newspaper in the entire nation. I know critics rank right alongside lawyers in the receiving of sympathy department, but it's grim folks.

Carl Wilson of the Toronto Globe and Mail and the blog Zoilus weighed in on both Powers' piece and Tatangelo's reply:

There's something to [Tatangelo's point] - I remarked in my book that unlike, say, an academic specialist, a working critic has to address a broad audience, and one who wrote only about the ultra-weird and never about the popular eventually would be out of a job. In the book I add "(rightly)", but it's debatable.

Certainly I know people who've been required professionally to review shows they wouldn't have volunteered to watch. Tatangelo says that a couple of years ago he quit a job rather than cover Idol—and that he's not sure he would feel emboldened to make a similar move today.

But wait, imagine a film critic who proudly resigns his job rather than write about a popular movie or genre of movies—say, movies based on comic books. Would we think that guy was a hero, or kind of an asshole? Wouldn't we point to great film critics who have written favorably or unfavorably about blockbuster popcorn flicks and found insightful aesthetic and social analyses there? If you're being told what to say by your editors, that is cause to make a stand; if you're being asked to cover a major phenomenon in your field, that's the job, bucko. Granted, in the more flush past of newspapering, you'd probably have been able to slough off lower-status assignments to the junior critic, and today there usually is no junior critic. And nothing against Tatangelo making life choices that make him happier. But there's a boon to critics being pushed out of their aesthetic habits to observe what's happening out in what remains of the mainstream - it gives us the function of conducting that cross-conversation about common cultural objects that those lamenters of the semi-mythical, semi-extinct monoculture say they miss.

Still, the most salient point of all may be from Marc Hogan's Tumblr, in which the freelancer (best known for his contributions to Pitchfork) spells it out even more plainly:

As anyone who knows anyone who has blogged about "American Idol" knows, you get more clicks blogging about "American Idol" than blogging about Steinski, Harvey Milk, or Fleet Foxes. So it's not as if the turning tide toward "poptimism" among critics who want to be paid for our work is entirely un-self-interested.

Pop music critics embrace the mainstream [LAT]
Debating Ann Powers, poptimism and American Idol [Creative Loafing Tampa]
Forced to Write About American Idol? Call Our Help Line Now [Zoilus]
"As anyone who's read . . . " [Offnotesnotes]

You are ineligible to participate if you progressed in any previous season of American Idol® to any of the following levels:
— Season 1 - top 30 contestants
— Season 2 - top 32 contestants
— Season 3 - top 36 contestants
— Season 4 - top 44 contestants
— Season 5 - top 44 contestants
— Season 6 - top 40 contestants
— Season 7 - top 24 contestants

Over at MJ's Big Blog, the money seems to be on Ensley returning, but given Idol's slide into the weird lately (does no one remember the extended remix of "I Am Your Brother" during the finale?), I'm betting that we'll see some "where are they now?" packages on both fingernail-peeling cutie Brandon Greene and bubbleheaded abstinence diehard Amy Catherine Flynn. Who knows, maybe they'll even give the "I Am Your Brother" guy a ticket to Hollywood, if only to prime the pump for a single release of a song that's a lot more memorable than "This Is My Now."

Season 7 Top 50 Who Didn't Make the Top 24 Cut Are Eligible for American Idol Season 8 [MJ's Big Blog]

"I dig David Cook," says singer Austin Winkler, a native of Oklahoma, where Cook has lived for the past few years. "He shows that the world is starving for a little bit of rock-n-roll. Hopefully we can write some tunes for him."

According to Hinder, who were in the audience for this year's Idol finale and met the winner briefly that night, the admiration is mutual. "I heard he's a fan," Winkler tells EW.com. "I'm sure we'll cross paths."

Oh yeah, Austin, I'm sure you'll run into each other backstage at a 311 show or something. But really, given that Cook is something of a lost cause when it comes to his hopeless affection for bad, overblown rock, let's turn our attention to the band's more alarming designs when it comes to blowing out their one-hit wonder status into something else:

Meanwhile another Hinder member is holding out for a chance at some face time with a female Idol champ: Carrie Underwood. "I love her," says drummer Cody Hanson (no relation to Tulsa's Hanson brothers). "She's my favorite of everything, and probably the hottest chick on the planet."

Nooooo! I mean, she may like the hard rock, but the difference between "Kickstart My Heart" and Hinder's self-hating hedonism is that one is actually, you know, fun to listen to for reasons beyond any foundation garments hanging from the lead singer's microphone.

Hinder to David Cook: "We'll write with you" [Hollywood Insider]

Lewis claims that he never wanted to sign to a major in the first place (I mean, who goes on American Idol wanting corporate assistance in becoming rich and famous?), but whether it's a sign that execs aren't going to suffer some "creative control" fool following Kelly Clarkson's My December, or that one shot is all you get in the current marketplace, news like this will probably make next year's contestants even more complacent about actually winning the competition once they've made the top 12 and achieved enough name recognition to shop for a label that will let them live out whatever their ridiculous artistic ambitions are.

The question remains: what will become of Blake Lewis? Will he find a home willing to encourage his whimsical ways? Will the lack of the necessary flash and budget force him to abandon his dramatic R & B and settle for a Broadway cameo? While the answers are blatantly "nothing much," "no," and "maybe he can play Prez in The Wire: The Musical," I feel sorry that we'll probably never see a freak like him reach so high on American Idol again.

Blake Lewis Dropped From Arista [MJ's Big Blog]
Blake Lewis - Break Anotha [Dailymotion]

Tuesday afternoon, Archuleta's agent — Roger Widynowski — said there would be no concert due to contractural obligations between the 17-year-old and American Idol.

On Saturday, Archuleta and several other Idol contestants will begin touring the country as part of the reality show's official summer concerts.

Widynowski did not go into detail as to why Archuleta could not perform at the E Center — but just said that the Murray High School student simply could not appear at the non-American Idol sanctioned event.

Widynowski said the "thank you" concert would instead be postponed to a later date, which was not set. However, the agent said it would have to wait until the American Idol tour concludes.

Perhaps unsurprisingly, the poll question attached to the story above—"Should the show go on?"—is running 80.5% pro to 19.5% con. (And yes, I voted yea, if only because that kid needs a little bit of joy in his life. I'm telling you, once he finally has the power to make his own decisions about his life, look out.)

David Archuleta Concert Canceled Due To Red Tape [KUTV]

As I look at this week's charts, I recall a 1994 interview in which Paul McCartney assured the world that the highly anticipated, ultimately anticlimactic 1995 Beatles single "Free as a Bird" would have a "grungy" guitar sound.

As with so many things, Sir Paul was just ahead of his time—14 years later, one of the Fab Four's most cherished chart records would be nearly equaled by a dude who can make anything, even "Eleanor Rigby," sound like grunge.

That record is for most songs on the Billboard Hot 100 by a single act. It was set on April 11, 1964, by the Beatles, who were credited on 14 of that week's 100 songs. The Fabs still hold this record, for now.

But thanks to a confluence of chart-tabulation quirks, this week a former bartender from Missouri—who until now had never appeared on any Billboard chart—comes close to tying it, placing 11 songs on the Hot 100 all at once. In so doing, David Cook sets a new, blowout record for most debuts, comes within spitting distance of the Fabs' record, and generally makes the chart grungier than it's been since Paul gave that interview.

Just how big a deal is the arrival of American Idol's Season 7 winner on the charts? It's unprecedented on a number of levels, but many of the records it sets have to do with the way the charts are tabulated and in the way the Idol producers have chosen to release recordings this season. (The full list of best-selling tracks by Cook, along with those of his fellow Idol competitors, was run down by Maura yesterday.)

The most obvious impact is near the top of the Hot 100, where Cook's finale song, "The Time of My Life," debuts at No. 3. He's behind Lil Wayne's "Lollipop" and Leona Lewis' "Bleeding Love," both of which have the advantage of months of radio airplay. Cook's hit is nearly airplay-free (a few stations likely played it on their morning shows, as a news item), and his chart position is entirely the result of his sales haul at iTunes, where "Time/Life" sold more than 236,000 downloads in the four days after the confetti came down.

A No. 3 debut is not that impressive in the annals of Idol finalists charting their schlock-and-rainbows finale songs. All of the Idol winners have debuted at No. 1 or No. 2 with their debut singles (with the exception of Jordin Sparks, who suffered a pitiful No. 15 peak for "This Is My Now" last year thanks to a botched digital release). Also, 236,000 copies puts "Time/Life" in the middle of the pack: slightly ahead of the first week for Taylor Hicks's "Do I Make You Proud" (228,000 copies, 2006), virtually tied with Kelly Clarkson's "A Moment Like This" (236,000, 2002) and a bit behind Ruben Studdard's "Flying Without Wings" (286,000, 2003).

Where Cook leaves all of his peers in the dust is the number of times his name appears on the chart. His 11 total debuts nearly doubles the all-time Hot 100 record of six debuts, set in November 2006 by Miley Cyrus in the first flush of Hannah Montana fame. Here's the full list of Cook's debuts—numbers below are the Hot 100 rank:

3. "Time Of My Life"
15. "Dream Big"
22. "I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For"
28. "The World I Know"
42. "I Don't Want to Miss a Thing"
47. "Billie Jean"
67. "Always Be My Baby"
73. "Hello"
77. "The Music of the Night"
92. "Eleanor Rigby"
99. "I'm Alive"

Moreover, Cook's raw sales total is staggering. No other Idol finalist has sold this many copies of anything in a single week: 942,000 downloads, adding up all 17 of his best-sellers. That total would even beat the best album sales weeks by the likes of Clarkson or Carrie Underwood. (Hell, it beats the entire cumulative sales of the Taylor Hicks album.)

Fourteen of Cook's 17 tracks make Billboard's 75-position Hot Digital Songs chart—also a record on that four-year-old chart. (Full disclosure: SoundScan reports sales on up to 200 top downloads per week, so we have data on tracks that didn't make the chart—hence, 17 songs tabulated.)

Just for perspective, the best sales week for any Idol finalist's single came in 2003, when Clay Aiken's debut hit, "This Is the Night," sold 393,000 physical singles. Then again, Aiken, and every other finalist before 2008, had never had his or her entire Idol body of work released to the public before.

Basically, the chart records set this week are the fruit of a series of Idol firsts. It's the first year of Fox's and 19 Entertainment's promotional partnership with Apple, which made every song performed by the finalists available for sale. (We can only imagine what Fantasia's cover of "Summertime" would have sold the week after she performed it in 2004.) It's the first time Idol has made the winner's victory song available the same week it was performed; in the past there's been a gap of at least three or four weeks.

And finally, this is the first week all year that Fox and 19 have allowed Apple to report the sales of Idol songs to SoundScan and Billboard. With the competition over, and the producers' fears of tipping off the viewing public not an issue anymore, songs that have been selling in the tens of thousands for the last three months are suddenly allowed to chart. It's as if a boiling kettle that was held down is suddenly released and spews everywhere: the 14 Idol-related songs on this week's Hot 100—11 by Cook and three by runner-up David Archuleta—are a revue of the entire season.

Remember when Cook covered "Eleanor Rigby" during Beatles week or "I'm Alive" during Neil Diamond week? Well, someone did—each sold more than 25,000 downloads last week. (Cook's "Day Tripper" sold pretty well, too: take that, McCartney!) We'll never know how well these older recordings sold the first week they were performed on the show, but if this week is any indication, the totals have been staggering all season long. Also: this week's results, while clearly affected by the final vote, refute anyone (like me) who suspected all season that girlyman Archuleta was the big seller; for all we know, Cook's been thumping his fellow competitors all along. And finally, we have clear evidence that 2008 will not be a repeat of 2003, when the Idol winner (Studdard) was instantly and permanently outsold by his runner-up (Aiken).

Notwithstanding my Beatles quip at the top of this column, I doubt Cook will approach the Fabs' record or look anywhere near this mighty next week, when probably half or more of his "hits" will drop off the chart.

Longer-term, what this week does augur is that future Idol winners will have one week a year to set ever-crazier chart records. In its first five seasons, the show produced one chart-topping single each year, most of them No. 1 debuts—a rarity in an age when Billboard policy makes chart-topping debuts exceedingly difficult. But by 2009 or 2010, when an Idol winner debuts with, say, 15 or 20 songs in a single week, all those previous successes will look like child's play.

Here's a rundown of the rest of this week's charts:

• In addition to its Hot 100 reign, Lil Wayne's "Lollipop" is sitting pretty on top of the Hot R&B/Hip-Hop Songs chart. In last week's Billboard, a R&B/Hip-Hop chart sidebar noted that the gap in chart points between Nos. 1 and 2 on that list is the largest it's been in a couple of years. That's bad news for the runner-up single, Plies' "Bust It Baby" with Ne-Yo, which holds at No. 2 after a big move into the runner-up slot last week. Plies' song has a bullet this week, while Weezy loses his, but "Lollipop" has such a massive lead that Plies still has a long distance to travel to overtake it.

Hot R&B/Hip-Hop Songs is essentially an airplay chart—digital sales are not a factor, and physical sales are negligible—and "Lollipop" seems to have overtaken black-radio playlists nationwide. Frankly, for a rap hit, "Lollipop" is so mellow and smooth (if lewd) that it's probably palatable for some of the older-leaning, R&B-centric stations (your KISS-FM's as opposed to your Hot 97's) that make up a large chunk of the airplay base. Bottom line, even if "Lollipop" succumbs on the Hot 100 in the next couple of weeks, Weezy should be able to hold the penthouse on this chart well into June.

• Like my man Anthony, I'm almost ashamed to admit how seduced I am by Apple's latest iPod/iTunes commercial starring EMI saviors Coldplay. (The editing and art direction are just unreal; man, this is why I bought an HDTV.) Apparently the rest of America's been wooed, too: one week after it debuted on the tube, "Viva la Vida," the track featured in the ad, does a total 180° on the Hot 100, swerving from No. 15 two weeks ago to No. 41 last week and back up to a new peak of No. 10. On iTunes, sales more than double to almost 140,000 copies, making it the third-best-seller of the week after Cook's Idol track and Rihanna's "Take a Bow."

As tipped here two weeks ago, EMI and Coldplay continue to pursue a dual-track promotional strategy, hyping "Viva" via TV and pop radio and the (ahem) edgier "Violet Hill" to rock radio. The latter moved into the Modern Rock Top 10 last week and holds at No. 10 this week; "Violet"'s digital sales are about one-fourth those for "Vida."

• Note to my editor: you're not gonna like this. Katy Perry's kinda-evil "I Kissed a Girl" (why, Dr. Luke, why?!) is an emerging smash. In just three weeks on the Hot 100, it's shot from No. 76 to No. 40 to No. 21. And unlike almost every other emerging hit we've discussed in this week's column, Perry has radio on her side: "Kissed" debuts on Hot 100 airplay at, swear to God, No. 69. Besides being a groan-worthy double-entendre, that ranking means Perry is clearly on an upward trajectory, as she's got both iTunes (82,000 downloads this week, the 13th biggest seller) and your local Top 40 crapmerchant working for her.

Ah, well—look on the bright side: maybe this means Perry is going to fill this summer's tween slot, instead of Fergie.

Top 10s
Last week's position and total weeks charted in parentheses (Digital Songs chart includes total downloads/percentage change in parentheses):

Hot 100
1. Lil Wayne feat. Static Major, "Lollipop" (LW No. 1, 11 weeks)
2. Leona Lewis, "Bleeding Love" (LW No. 1, 15 weeks)
3. David Cook, "The Time of My Life" (CHART DEBUT, 1 week)
4. Rihanna, "Take a Bow" (LW No. 3, 7 weeks)
5. Jordin Sparks with Chris Brown, "No Air" (LW No. 5, 21 weeks)
6. Usher feat. Young Jeezy, "Love in This Club" (LW No. 4, 15 weeks)
7. Ray J & Yung Berg, "Sexy Can I" (LW No. 6, 17 weeks)
8. Madonna feat. Justin Timberlake, "4 Minutes" (LW No. 7, 10 weeks)
9. Natasha Bedingfield, "Pocketful of Sunshine" (LW No. 8, 15 weeks)
10. Coldplay, "Viva la Vida" (LW No. 41, 3 weeks)

Hot Digital Songs
1. David Cook, "The Time of My Life" (CHART DEBUT, 236,000 downloads)
2. Lil Wayne feat. Static Major, "Lollipop" (LW No. 3, 163,000 downloads, +16%)
3. Rihanna, "Take a Bow" (LW No. 1, 144,000 downloads, -27%)
4. Coldplay, "Viva la Vida" (LW No. 14, 139,000 downloads, +149%)
5. Leona Lewis, "Bleeding Love" (LW No. 2, 122,000 downloads, -13%)
6. Natasha Bedingfield, "Pocketful of Sunshine" (LW No. 4, 115,000 downloads, -12%)
7. David Cook, "Dream Big" (CHART DEBUT, 111,000 downloads)
8. Madonna feat. Justin Timberlake, "4 Minutes" (LW No. 5, 98,000 downloads, -13%)
9. David Cook, "I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For" (CHART DEBUT, 98,000 downloads)
10. Jordin Sparks with Chris Brown, "No Air" (LW No. 7, 82,000 downloads, -5%)

Hot R&B/Hip-Hop Songs
1. Lil Wayne feat. Static Major, "Lollipop" (LW No. 1, 11 weeks)
2. Plies feat. Ne-Yo, "Bust It Baby (Part 2)" (LW No. 2, 13 weeks)
3. Keyshia Cole, "Heaven Sent" (LW No. 3, 9 weeks)
4. Chris Brown, "Take You Down" (LW No. 7, 9 weeks)
5. Usher feat. Young Jeezy, "Love in This Club" (LW No. 8, 16 weeks)
6. Ashanti, "The Way That I Love You" (LW No. 6, 15 weeks)
7. The-Dream, "I Luv Your Girl" (LW No. 12, 13 weeks)
8. Jordin Sparks with Chris Brown, "No Air" (LW No. 4, 12 weeks)
9. Mariah Carey, "Touch My Body" (LW No. 5, 16 weeks)
10. Usher feat. Beyonce and Lil Wayne, "Love in This Club, Part II" (LW No. 10, 5 weeks)

Hot Country Songs
1. Brad Paisley, "I'm Still a Guy" (LW No. 1, 14 weeks)
2. Phil Vassar, "Love Is A Beautiful Thing" (LW No. 2, 30 weeks)
3. James Otto, "Just Got Started Lovin' You" (LW No. 3, 32 weeks)
4. Rascal Flatts, "Every Day" (LW No. 4, 14 weeks)
5. Lady Antebellum, "Love Don't Live Here" (LW No. 5, 34 weeks)
6. Kenny Chesney, "Better as a Memory" (LW No. 8, 10 weeks)
7. Carrie Underwood, "Last Name" (LW No. 7, 11 weeks)
8. Blake Shelton, "Home" (LW No. 11, 18 weeks)
9. Montgomery Gentry, "Back When I Knew It All" (LW No. 10, 14 weeks)
10. George Strait, "I Saw God Today" (LW No. 6, 16 weeks)

Hot Modern Rock Tracks
1. Weezer, "Pork & Beans" (LW No. 1, 6 weeks)
2. Seether, "Rise Above This" (LW No. 2, 14 weeks)
3. The Offspring, "Hammerhead" (LW No. 4, 3 weeks)
4. Flobots, "Handlebars" (LW No. 3, 8 weeks)
5. Linkin Park, "Given Up" (LW No. 5, 12 weeks)
6. Foo Fighters, "Let It Die" (LW No. 7, 8 weeks)
7. Nine Inch Nails, "Discipline" (LW No. 6, 5 weeks)
8. The Raconteurs, "Salute Your Solution" (LW No. 8, 9 weeks)
9. Death Cab for Cutie, "I Will Possess Your Heart" (LW No. 9, 10 weeks)
10. Coldplay, "Violet Hill" (LW No. 10, 4 weeks)

1. David Cook, "Time Of My Life" (236,000 downloads)
7. David Cook, "Dream Big" (111,000 downloads)
9. David Cook, "I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For" (98,000 downloads)
14. David Cook, "The World I Know" (80,000 downloads)
18. David Cook, "I Don't Want To Miss A Thing" (60,000 downloads)
21. David Cook, "Billie Jean" (56,000 downloads)
23. David Archuleta, "Don't Let The Sun Go Down On Me" (51,000 downloads)
25. David Archuleta, "In This Moment" (49,000 downloads)
27. David Cook, "Always Be My Baby" (47,000 downloads)
30. David Cook, "Hello" (42,000 downloads)
36. David Archuleta, "Imagine" (39,000 downloads)
40. David Cook, "Music Of The Night" (36,000 downloads)
45. David Archuleta, "Imagine" (32,000 downloads)
52. David Cook, "Eleanor Rigby" (28,000 downloads)
60. David Cook, "I'm Alive" (25,000 downloads)
64. David Cook, "Little Sparrow" (24,000 downloads)
69. David Cook, "Hungry Like The Wolf" (23,000 downloads)
70. David Cook, "Innocent" (23,000 downloads)
80. Jason Castro, "Hallelujah" (19,000 downloads)
81. David Cook, "Day Tripper" (19,000 downloads)
83. David Archuleta, "Longer" (19,000 downloads)
89. David Cook, "All Right Now" (18,000 downloads)
94. David Archuleta, "Think Of Me" (18,000 downloads)
96. David Archuleta, "Angels" (17,000 downloads)
98. David Cook, "Happy Together" (17,000 downloads)
102. Jason Castro, "Over The Rainbow" (16,000 downloads)
106. David Archuleta, "When You Believe" (16,000 downloads)
109. David Archuleta, "Love Me Tender" (15,000 downloads)
123. David Archuleta, "The Long And Winding Road" (14,000 downloads)
131. Brooke White, "Let It Be" (12,000 downloads)
145. David Archuleta, "Sweet Caroline" (11,000 downloads)
153. David Archuleta, "You're The Voice" (10,000 downloads)
161. David Archuleta, "Another Day In Paradise" (9,800 downloads)
171. Michael Johns, "Dream On" (9,100 downloads)
194. David Archuleta, "Smoky Mountain Memories" (8,300 downloads)

In some ways, yes. Between voters' bucking of the judges' consensus that David Archuleta had cleaned Cook's clock Tuesday—a consensus that Simon Cowell backtracked on last night twice, first in the TV Guide Channel's preshow then right before Cookie was crowned (a recanting that was accompanied by an apology!)— and the fact that, to be frank, Cook's brand of watery post-grunge is a lot more commercially viable for a new artist than the syrupy ballads that are Archie's stock in trade, it would seem that the pop compass of Idol, which has been staggeringly off this season in terms of guest mentors and the judges' comments about who they did and didn't "get," has been at least somewhat recalibrated for 2008. (Not 2007, Randy. Ahem.) In a way, the "you can play instruments" rule change was the advance that opened the door for the show to bounce back in this fashion; David Cook definitely wielded his guitar to his advantage all season, and it only sharpened his "real" edge over Archuleta, whose pageanty stage-kid persona seemed to turn off more people as the season wore on.

If the iTunes Store data dug up by rickey.org is to be believed, Cook's victory is not a fluke like the Taylor Hicks victory that Chris Molanphy claims "broke" the show; week after week, his flannel-wrapped versions of the popular songs given to him by the Idol producers outsold the competition—and some other top-selling songs on the overall chart—by quite a margin, and his music only seemed to gain steam as the show went on. Commercial viability for the show's winner could return this year, and Cook's debut album might well outsell My December—even if that saleability is in large part the result of a wrong from two years ago being "corrected" by voters.

The one problem, though, is that this righting of the saleability ship comes after a season that was, in many ways, disastrous for Idol. Paulagate, the pro-Archuleta steamroll, the erosion in desirable demographics, the obvious cheap way out the producers took when it came to licensing music from this millennium; if Idol wants to fix itself, or at least ensure that last night's ratings boost wasn't a dead-cat bounce, it needs to address most of these issues. I would definitely take a page from the judges and say that song choice is the most important thing that needs to be fixed; the graying of the Idol demographic is probably at least somewhat attributable to the fact that finding a song that came out after 2000—even in Mariah Carey week!—was a task that resembled a wild-goose chase. And if relying on newer songs means that new judges, i.e. ones who have if not an appreciation for current popular music at least a vague knowledge that it's out there (NB: repeating the name "Jack Johnson" week-in and week-out does not count), have to be brought in, then so be it. But the high ratings of this season's finale shouldn't be seen as any sort of "success," or a sign that the show's problems this season magically resolved themselves on its last night.

And with that, I close out my commentary on this season of Idol—at least until the first album comes out or Chikezie makes some sort of public statement on his recording future, because during last night I realized that he's actually the member of the top 12 whose future I'm most interested in. When is he going to sign to Daptone? (David Cook and Jason Castro are obviously tied for No. 2, while Brooke White's Donna Summer medley showing made me wonder if she shouldn't ditch the singer-songwriter thing, or at least get someone to commission a few 12-inch remixes of her first few singles.)

David Cook: "The Time Of My Life" (Song Premiere) [PopEater]
David Cook Guitar Hero [Yahoo! Video]

7:55 p.m. Five minutes to go! Apparently the red carpet was crazy. And the special guests are breaking down: ZZ Top is playing with Cookie, OneRepublic with Archie, and Seal with... someone. (It has to be Brooke White, right?)

7:58 p.m. To properly prepare the New York viewing area for this momentous occasion, WNYW has decided to run the Seinfeld episode where Elaine and Jerry "mull intimacy but without commitment." And a New York Lottery ad featuring "Daydream," which awww. (Speaking of Jason: Please let Jeff Buckley not be one of tonight's digitally exhumed singers. Please.)

8:00 p.m. They're both in white! David Archuleta is wearing a shirt that says "Bowery & Bleecker" (what, no CBGB shirt?) and David Cook is wearing a white suit.

8:01 p.m. Seacrest is looking sharp. And he is unbelievably pumped to say the "FINAL RESULTS SHOW!!!" Last night, 97.5 million votes were cast, breaking the vote-total record by about 23 million ballots—the final split was 56%-44%. Quite a gap, especially for a primary night.

8:03 p.m. There was one miserable-looking guy in the crowd at David Cook's hometown rally, while the parade of young girls in David Archuleta's hometown—"all blondes and all neck," Ryan pointed out, and I have to agree—are unbelievably pumped.

8:04 p.m. The top 12 are also in all white, and now they're dancing with the So You Think You Can Dance dancers while trying to sing "Get Ready."

8:04 pm. Carly is hopelessly out of rhythm. Jason is just trying to focus on not tripping. You'd think the semi-pro dancers would take the pressure off, but I guess that's not happening. Oh, and Amanda is wearing a scarf to break up her all-white monochrome!

8:06 p.m. David Hernandez and Amanda Overmeyer are a study in contrasts: David looks thrilled to be back on a stage where he can keep his clothes on, while Amanda is looking like she just wants to get through the next 30 seconds.

8:06 p.m. Commercial break No. 1! Well, that was quick.

8:09 p.m. The ad for So You Think You Can Dance is touting its lack of B-list celebs. Janice Dickinson, you are on notice!

8:10 p.m. An awkward pause in the action, and then David Cook kickstarts that awful Nickelback song from Spider-Man. It's a duet.

8:11 p.m. It's probably not surprising that Cookie is carrying the crummy nu-grunge performance. But the sound mix is kind of terrible, too—the two mics seem to be cutting each other out.

8:12 p.m. Cook seems super-confident and happy; Archuleta is smiling blandly.

8:12 p.m. Oh no... it's a tie-in with The Love Guru. No. No.

8:13 p.m. I would rather watch an endless loop of Austin Powers 3 than this. Shoot, I'd rather watch just Beyonce's "acting" in Austin Powers 3.

8:14 p.m. They're interviewing the two Davids about the movie. Archie can barely muster out his pre-fab line about what he liked about the movie.

8:14 p.m. The torrent of '90s references being thrown at David Cook is a little funny, although I would have made a Screaming Trees joke instead of an Alice In Chains one.

8:15 p.m. Oh, this is going beyond the taped bit and into Mike Myers showing up on stage. God, I miss the subtlety of Wayne's World right now.

8:17 p.m. Are people really going to see this movie? And is Mike Myers still making the "I'm going to make a joke about promoting the movie as promoting the movie" joke? The answers would seem to be no and yes.

8:18 p.m. And now, it's Seal duetting with Syesha on that song that was in all those TNT promo ads a few years back. And the sound is still absolutely awful.

8:19 p.m. You know what this performance needs? Ice skaters.

8:19 p.m. "Underrehearsed" would be a good description for what's going on right now, I think.

8:20 p.m. Why would they give Syesha a song that was so out of her vocal range? They don't need to throw her under the bus anymore.

8:22 p.m. Next year, the eliminations should be sponsored by any company with a five-blade razor, if only for the express purpose of some super-awkward sponsor tie-in videos.

8:25 p.m. Jason!

8:26 p.m. The producers aren't taking any lyric-forgetting chances here, with him singing "Hallelujah." However, Mr. Castro is taking a fashion risk by wearing what seems to be a... a denim shirt.

8:27 p.m. Prediction: Jeff Buckley's version of this song will be back in the iTunes top 20 within the next 12 hours.

8:27 p.m. He made Melinda Doolittle cry!

8:28 p.m. And now it's time for the Blooper-reel Ford ad... including one shot of Carly, er, hugging the hood of a Ford.

8:29 p.m. ALL THE DAVIDS ARE GETTING CARS!!! David Archuleta actually took the Lord's name in vain, he was so excited.

8:29 p.m. The ladies, all in red, are now doing a Donna Summer medley that opens with "She Works Hard For The Money." Brooke's tone is very Donna-like; Kristy's is awful. Amanda, meanwhile, looks like she would like to be anywhere else on earth.

8:30 p.m. I bet you never thought you'd hear a yarled version of "Hot Stuff" tonight. God bless Amanda. Meanwhile, Carly sings the chorus as if her career still depends on it. And then there's Ramiele, who... well, let's just say that Alex Lushington was robbed one final time and leave it at that.

8:32 p.m. Donna is now out and performing her new single. I need a better mix to judge, but so far, this is no "This Time I Know It's For Real."

8:33 p.m. Yeah, I'm not into this. Please see the below clip as to why:

Stock Aitken and Waterman forever, yo.

8:34 p.m. Wait, how is it "Last Dance" time? It's only 8:34! Who won? What about the rest of the Ford ads?

8:35 p.m. Syesha: Still bringing the pitchy, even tonight. There's something to be said for consistency, I guess.

8:39 p.m. Carly and Michael, "shock" eliminees both, singing a ... bar-bandy rendition of "The Letter." Aw, they make a cute Captain and Tennille sort of pair. The Ascot and Tattoo!

8:41 p.m. I kind of love Carly's minidress, because it looks like it was made from a scrap of studded fabric that at one time served as her tattoo parlor's curtain.

8:42 p.m. These two are so going to do... something together. Right?

8:43 p.m. Oh God, Jimmy Kimmel?

8:43 p.m. Wow, a "Sanjaya is a has-been" joke and a "Chris Sligh is fat" joke. This whole thing is coming off like a best man's toast at a wedding of people who aren't funny at all.

8:45 p.m. And now the guys are doing what I suspect is a Bryan Adams medley. Michael Johns is probably appropriate for singing the lyrics about the summer of '69, since he's the oldest. And Jason Castro... no. He should not be anywhere near this song at all. Man, the producers have been up Bryan's ass this season, right? Remember the whole thing with "Everything I Do (I Do It For You)" during Hollywood Week?

8:47 p.m. The Davids are singing "Heaven," but sadly, it is not the DJ Sammy version.

8:47 p.m. And now Bryan Adams is performing his new single. I guess it doesn't count as paid programming if all the promotions are the result of favor-trading, but...

8:50 p.m. "Somebody" doesn't really have the same oomph when it's sung by a chorus of guys. In fact, it kind of reminds me of that Saturday Night Live skit where Jason Sudeikis and his pals put a song on the jukebox and reveal their secrets in just enough time to launch into singalongs of every chorus. Creepy!

8:53 p.m. Something tells me this "Joe Torre adjusts to LA" State Farm ad won't be airing on the YES Network anytime soon.

8:54 p.m. Jordin Sparks talks about "living the Idol dream"... at Walt Disney World. The franchising of this show is officially out of hand.

8:55 p.m. No, Randy Jackson, ZZ Top do not rate devil horns.

8:55 p.m. Especially since it seems like they'll whore out their hits to any guy who sounds even vaguely Krogerish. (This time it's "Sharp Dressed Man," which they're performing behind D. Cook.) Does no one remember the Billboard Awards from 2006? Well, I guess no one does, since they don't exist anymore.

8:57 p.m. Cookie is having a good time. But the "underrehearsed" thing is definitely floating to the front of my mind again.

8:59 p.m. David Cook's high-school music teacher is on! Yay, music teachers.

8:59 p.m. And now it's time for... wait, someone who played with David Crosby and Stephen Stills? Uh, not Neil Young, right? Oh, no, it's Graham Nash, Brooke White, and an awkward count-in from the band. Did they decide to let the intern direct tonight's show?

9:02 p.m. This is very sweet. And it's clear that Brooke knew "Teach Your Children," because she sailed through the whole thing.

9:03 p.m. This Coldplay song: Totally OK, especially when it kicks into that U2/Arcade Fire chorus.

9:03 p.m. Oh my god, it's David Cook in a Guitar Hero ad that pays homage to Risky Business. Well, you have to know that Archie would probably never get that particular endorsement. Please don't tell me that this means another season of The Next Great American Band is in the offing, though?

9:06 p.m. The girls are freaking out because... it is... JONAS BROTHERS TIME!

9:07 p.m. Joe Jonas is wearing... a puffy T-shirt? And yes, here is where I note that David Archuleta is nowhere close to being a Jonas yet. He needs more time in shiny suits and, you know, talking to girls and stuff.

9:09 p.m. Ah, it's time for the annual "bring out your freaks" montage. Some people on this couch aren't likin' this.

9:10 p.m. 45 seconds for the girl who was painted gold. 45 seconds for the guy who couldn't enunciate. Ah, and now it's time for a tribute to Renaldo Lapuz and "I Am Your Brother." I guess more Mike Myers would be worse.

9:12 p.m. Oh, no, they brought him to the show to sing live! He's going to be doing this for the next 48 minutes!

9:12 p.m. No, really. This is going to be the rest of the show. An extended marching-band routine and then the So You Think You Can Dance dancers will come out and then they'll add the digital Pips and the digital Gladys Knight and the digital Beatles and I'm going to miss my midnight showing of Indiana Jones because the winners won't be announced until this cacophony is over and oh my God it's already been two minutes, you guys.

9:14 p.m. He's played off. My tickets are safe!

9:15 p.m. Speaking of summer blockbusters, how much is Get Smart going to suck? It's a shame, too, because I really want to see Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson drop the People's Elbow on a comedy that's actually worthy of his talent. And eyebrows.

9:16 p.m. WE'RE BROTHERS 'TIL THE END OF TIIIIIME... oh, this is going to be stuck in my head all night. Quick, someone find me a YouTube of the Hawaii Five-O theme, a.k.a. the ultimate earworm eraser! The future of this liveblog depends on you!

9:17 p.m. And now it's time for OneRepublic to perform "Against All Odds '07." Hey, remember when everyone thought they were going to have a second single? Ah, January.

9:19 p.m. And here's Archie, and the Piped-In Screams Of Producer Manipulation.

9:20 p.m. This song really isn't the same without those Timbaland "eh... eh, eh"s.

9:20 p.m. To be fair to David A., this song does play to his strengths. Particularly the fact that he doesn't have to remember all that many words, which must be some comfort to him.

9:22 p.m. David's grandfather just said that he's proud of his grandson and his son. Uh, OK.

9:23 p.m. Jordin Sparks comes out to perform her new single wearing what looks like an Isaac Mizrahi for Target dress. (I don't mean that in a bad way! I like his dresses.) This track is probably not going to reach the airplay heights of "Tattoo," since it's a bland cross between a coronation song and Michael Jackson's "Remember The Time." And Jordin seems rushed. I do like that she's broken free and made her nose ring more prominent, though.

9:26 p.m. Way, way too long. I miss Fantasia.

9:26 p.m. Blake Lewis, the devoted older brother/crush type, is singing along. So many Jordin journals are filled with lyrics about him.

9:27 p.m. How many comedies this summer are operating under the premise "Saturday Night Live guy adapts accent, expects roffles?" I count two advertised on this show so far.

9:30 p.m. Free idea: Dunkin' Donuts and They Might Be Giants should co-sponsor a songwriting contest that's decided by their good old Dial-A-Song concept, i.e., the track with the most calls wins.

9:31 p.m. Only 29 minutes to go! And it's just in time for... the Gladys Knight/fake Pips performance. The fake Pips being Ben Stiller, Jack Black, and Robert Downey Jr., who are promoting that movie where Downey's in blackface— a "creative decision" that he wisely decided to not reprise here.

9:32 p.m. Actually, Downey's probably doing the Pip routine the best. Jack and Ben are predictably overhammy. Boy, do I miss the Jack Black of "Jeepers Creepers Semistar."

9:34 p.m. I also miss the Ben Stiller of The Ben Stiller Show, but that's probably something that goes without saying.

9:34 p.m. Oh, great, now the revenu